We Kept A Tiny Human Alive!

It has been one year that I was laid up in the hospital for 20 days awaiting the arrival of our baby girl. One year filled with:
Sleepless nights
Tears of joy
Meltdowns in the middle of the night
Countless kisses
Gratefulness
Fear
Frustrations
Doubts
Worries
Anxieties
And, of course, love. 

As I reflect upon this last year, I am amazed at the effort it takes to not panic at every moment trying to shelter Marlise from the storms of life. Even watching another baby take a toy from her breaks my heart a little. I'm so amazed that by her very presence causes me to understand the fragility of life and the importance of it. It's not easy staying alive...ah ah ah ah staying alive staying alive. To be that parent responsible is a huge burden one that I've realized giving more over to God BUT also appreciation for my own parental units. Thanks mom and dad. 

Do you remember me saying that with Marlise, God has taken complete control and I cannot put my will on hers? Anytime I think of doing or planning something for us whether it be Christmas family photos or first birthday photos, God says I have a different plan. Marlise spent her first birthday in the hospital. I would never imagine being back in the place where she was born on the anniversary of the day she was born. I'm sure I'm not the only one but I find it quite ironic.

I feel like I should have a deep insight into the year that we, Daniel and I, have been able to keep our tiny human alive. All I can say is I'm so grateful to Jesus for her; I could not imagine life without her. Happy birthday to my little princess, my Zumba partner, my heart, my hoped for child.

The 8th Week

When I first found out I was pregnant, at about 5 weeks, I couldn't wait to see the Doctor and get this process going thinking: "What medications do I need to take?", "What exercises can I do?", "How many ultrasounds do I get?", "Let's get things going, I'm ready!!!".

To much of my disappointment they wanted me to wait until my 8th week to come back. "WHAT?!?!", "What if something happens between now and then?", "What do I do?" 

It seemed like eternity then finally the 8th week came. I didn't know what to expect but I remember someone saying make sure you film your reaction at that first appointment. Therefore, I asked a good friend to come with me to film it.

At first, I had no clue what I was looking for, my mind was filled with thoughts of: "What if they don't see anything?", "What if I have to start over?", "What if they see something abnormal and I will never even be able to sustain a child in my womb?"

I was preparing myself for tears of joy or tears of pain. Then finally, they tell me that the little graham cracker thingy is the baby and I...FELT...NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. "What if that's not really it?", "I don't feel anything, maybe I'm not meant to be a mom after all.", "What is wrong with me?"

The tears started flowing when I saw that heart beat and lastly I think:
"Thank You God, You are so faithful"
"8 long years of wait"
"Finally"

While also hearing God say:
"Don't worry, I got this."
"Everything beautiful in its time"
"My promises will be fulfilled in you"
"Trust in Me"

And in that moment, I knew I was going to be a mom, my husband a father and our future a child.

Taboo From The Very Beginning

[Posted January 5, 2016]

INFERTILITY!!!!!

This word haunts me every day and I feel very vulnerable sharing it. A wise woman told me not to be quiet about it, share it, and know you’re not alone. But I figure I can wait until I make a baby announcement and then talk about how I struggled. Struggled with thoughts of feeling inadequate as a woman/wife because I am unable to conceive.

First reaction I get from folks are:
- Have you seen a doctor? Did they do blood work? Did you try fertility treatments?
- Have you tried acupuncture?
- Are you gluten intolerant?
- Have you thought about adoption?
- Have you thought about IVF or IUI?
- Don’t think about it and relax!
- You should try charting every single day!
- There’s this app, here’s this article, there’s this doctor, take this, take that, take a picture of your uterus, here’s a picture of mine….and on and on

To those who already knew this about me, thank you for the advice, prayers and encouraging words. I’m grateful by all of your expressions of love and advice.

To those who didn’t know, and are curious, I did in fact try 90% of those things. Anything less than $1,000 I have tried thus far. I’m not looking for extra tidbits of knowledge and what other tactics to do, in fact, I’m kind of over it.

This 2 year journey, 7 if we want to be technical with it, has illuminated my eyes in seeing how sovereign my God, Jesus the Christ, is. I have drawn closer to Him as a result of this and discovering strongholds in my life that has grown my marriage and spiritual relationship with the Lord. Every month I pray, “Lord, I’d rather be here in your perfect will than anywhere else; babies or no babies.” But it’s hard Y’ALL. However, my prayer life is stronger, strongholds have been broken and God still sits on His throne.

If I were to have a word for 2015 and one for 2016 it would be ‘Revelational’ and ‘Trust’. This year Daniel and I will put more of our trust in God and know that His path is always greater than our own. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

So there, I said it. I am struggling with infertility. People know, you know, it’s real now. #whew #tmiTuesday #myinfertilitystory #GodIsSovereign