We Kept A Tiny Human Alive!

It has been one year that I was laid up in the hospital for 20 days awaiting the arrival of our baby girl. One year filled with:
Sleepless nights
Tears of joy
Meltdowns in the middle of the night
Countless kisses
Gratefulness
Fear
Frustrations
Doubts
Worries
Anxieties
And, of course, love. 

As I reflect upon this last year, I am amazed at the effort it takes to not panic at every moment trying to shelter Marlise from the storms of life. Even watching another baby take a toy from her breaks my heart a little. I'm so amazed that by her very presence causes me to understand the fragility of life and the importance of it. It's not easy staying alive...ah ah ah ah staying alive staying alive. To be that parent responsible is a huge burden one that I've realized giving more over to God BUT also appreciation for my own parental units. Thanks mom and dad. 

Do you remember me saying that with Marlise, God has taken complete control and I cannot put my will on hers? Anytime I think of doing or planning something for us whether it be Christmas family photos or first birthday photos, God says I have a different plan. Marlise spent her first birthday in the hospital. I would never imagine being back in the place where she was born on the anniversary of the day she was born. I'm sure I'm not the only one but I find it quite ironic.

I feel like I should have a deep insight into the year that we, Daniel and I, have been able to keep our tiny human alive. All I can say is I'm so grateful to Jesus for her; I could not imagine life without her. Happy birthday to my little princess, my Zumba partner, my heart, my hoped for child.

The 8th Week

When I first found out I was pregnant, at about 5 weeks, I couldn't wait to see the Doctor and get this process going thinking: "What medications do I need to take?", "What exercises can I do?", "How many ultrasounds do I get?", "Let's get things going, I'm ready!!!".

To much of my disappointment they wanted me to wait until my 8th week to come back. "WHAT?!?!", "What if something happens between now and then?", "What do I do?" 

It seemed like eternity then finally the 8th week came. I didn't know what to expect but I remember someone saying make sure you film your reaction at that first appointment. Therefore, I asked a good friend to come with me to film it.

At first, I had no clue what I was looking for, my mind was filled with thoughts of: "What if they don't see anything?", "What if I have to start over?", "What if they see something abnormal and I will never even be able to sustain a child in my womb?"

I was preparing myself for tears of joy or tears of pain. Then finally, they tell me that the little graham cracker thingy is the baby and I...FELT...NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. "What if that's not really it?", "I don't feel anything, maybe I'm not meant to be a mom after all.", "What is wrong with me?"

The tears started flowing when I saw that heart beat and lastly I think:
"Thank You God, You are so faithful"
"8 long years of wait"
"Finally"

While also hearing God say:
"Don't worry, I got this."
"Everything beautiful in its time"
"My promises will be fulfilled in you"
"Trust in Me"

And in that moment, I knew I was going to be a mom, my husband a father and our future a child.

Taboo From The Very Beginning

[Posted January 5, 2016]

INFERTILITY!!!!!

This word haunts me every day and I feel very vulnerable sharing it. A wise woman told me not to be quiet about it, share it, and know you’re not alone. But I figure I can wait until I make a baby announcement and then talk about how I struggled. Struggled with thoughts of feeling inadequate as a woman/wife because I am unable to conceive.

First reaction I get from folks are:
- Have you seen a doctor? Did they do blood work? Did you try fertility treatments?
- Have you tried acupuncture?
- Are you gluten intolerant?
- Have you thought about adoption?
- Have you thought about IVF or IUI?
- Don’t think about it and relax!
- You should try charting every single day!
- There’s this app, here’s this article, there’s this doctor, take this, take that, take a picture of your uterus, here’s a picture of mine….and on and on

To those who already knew this about me, thank you for the advice, prayers and encouraging words. I’m grateful by all of your expressions of love and advice.

To those who didn’t know, and are curious, I did in fact try 90% of those things. Anything less than $1,000 I have tried thus far. I’m not looking for extra tidbits of knowledge and what other tactics to do, in fact, I’m kind of over it.

This 2 year journey, 7 if we want to be technical with it, has illuminated my eyes in seeing how sovereign my God, Jesus the Christ, is. I have drawn closer to Him as a result of this and discovering strongholds in my life that has grown my marriage and spiritual relationship with the Lord. Every month I pray, “Lord, I’d rather be here in your perfect will than anywhere else; babies or no babies.” But it’s hard Y’ALL. However, my prayer life is stronger, strongholds have been broken and God still sits on His throne.

If I were to have a word for 2015 and one for 2016 it would be ‘Revelational’ and ‘Trust’. This year Daniel and I will put more of our trust in God and know that His path is always greater than our own. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

So there, I said it. I am struggling with infertility. People know, you know, it’s real now. #whew #tmiTuesday #myinfertilitystory #GodIsSovereign

Mine...His...Ours

I had a plan!

After the baby shower, I had plans of booking the maternity shoot, sign up for baby prep classes at the hospital, register at the hospital, use the gift cards to purchase the remaining baby items, set up the nursery, finish this blog.....Tiffany had it together y'all. 

However, God had His own plans. My plans were cute up until the baby shower and the Lord said, "My turn!"

It was a crisp beautiful Wednesday morning as I went in for my regular check up and, long story short, I'm admitted to the hospital for a somewhat common, yet severe, pregnancy complication called preeclampsia. My blood pressures were in the stroke/seizure range and I had no external symptoms that would have me consider going to the hospital. 

Because of the ongoing pain of fibroids and gestational diabetes, I was right where I needed to be. I was admitted to the hospital March 1 and the hospital took excellent care of me. My job was so very gracious with me and my family provided unlimited support, especially Mr. Stephens (love you lovah).

On March 20, I was induced for labor and ended up having to get a c-section due to complications of being induced. At 11:24 pm, our hoped for child, Marlise Jenelle Stephens arrived: 

An excerpt from my journal during my time at the hospital reads:

"My hopes and expectations can no longer be put over what He wants. God has a significant plan for her [Marlise's] life and I CAN NOT force mine on her. ...I will love her, fight for her and surrender her to her heavenly Father's will beyond what "plan" I ever had for her."

During my 20 day stint at the hospital, the Lord showed me that the "plans" that I had for Marlise are always best served when surrendered to Him. From my infertility journey to her early arrival, all the plans I had in between turned completely upside down for a testimony of encouragement to myself and to share with the world. 

I believe this experience is a precursor of what's to come in all aspects of my life. I believe that if I just let go and let God His plan will supersede mine in every perfect way possible.

Thank you all again for your prayers and support. Marlise is in the NICU and would appreciate more of them. She is doing very well and is taken well care of. We are excited to bring her home (when the Lord allows ☺).

I still plan on posting the remaining entries I had for this blog, consider this one an intermission.

The How...somewhat.

When people ask me, "So what happened?", "What did you do?" I could easily put my Christian hat on and say, "Just by the blood of the Lamb, the Lord has heard my cry and prayer." That's actually how I wanted it to happen to testify that God can just do it (which He can)! To me, however, everything that happens via answered prayer is through the Lord hearing my cry and granting me my hearts desire.

In this case, I believe I had to take a step of faith but an interesting one nonetheless. I was told about a spa service in Korean Bath Houses called a Korean Hip Bath. Including the link so you can do the research about it yourself. Unfortunately, this spa that I heard about is in Atlanta, GA. A ticket just to go out there is about $300, about $12,000 less than IVF (which was the next step the doctors had me saving my money for). But in all the research, Doctor's visits, and money spent I did not obsess over it.

I ended up having to fly out to Atlanta for work and met up for dinner with the sister of a friend that originally told me about this information. By the end of the conversation, while meeting her beautiful baby boy, we talked about, "my issue". She reminded me, no volunteered, to run me over by this spa. WHAT?!?!? This whole week I've been hanging out in Atlanta and not once thought about this thing. Long story short, and $50 later ($14,550 less than IVF) I do it. I come home, birds and bees convo, and I'm pregnant.

Turns out this spa treatment helps clean out the womb with the benefits of shrinking fibroids that I did not know I had. Once pregnant, they said I have 4 fibroids and it's amazing that I got pregnant. So there, an all expense trip paid for and a spa service that I was hoping for and almost forgot about. Thank you Jesus.

Funny story: there were 4 seats and the lady decides to sit someone right next to me just like the picture above. Somewhat awkward but whateves.

I tell people this story of, "the how" but I caveat with, this is my testimony, this is the how for me. God may have a different testimony for you so continue to trust in Him. If you try this, don't consider it the guarantee, don't think that this is the final straw either. God has done it through may different avenues, don't limit Him and what He will do for you.

To my fellow future mothers

To my fellow future mothers,

I know how you feel already….

Another pregnancy announcement yes. I know those emotions. It’s like a fierce cycle whirling around in your brain that navigates down to your heart and aims straight for your belly. The emotion of rejection, of feeling left behind, of feeling empty. Maybe it’s coupled with aunt Flo that seems to laugh at you while saying, “You have to wait even longer.” You know those feelings, I know those feelings and I’m sorry.

Every time I saw the good news of others, I got genuinely happy and excited for them. It reminds me of the movie Toy Story were the little toys were chosen in the vending machine and everyone was excited for that toy but yet wanted to be that toy, the next chosen one. Yes, you may start questioning yourself and what you did wrong that month and what you could try again this month or the next.

 I…totally…get…it.

I purposefully waited to announce this publicly just for you. Because as excited as I was to find out the good news, I thought about you. I thought about preparing myself to introduce this news and my address to those that have felt the way I have. Maybe I’m not relating to you while you read, but for those who are let me TELL you this: there is nothing wrong with you.

You are beautifully and wonderfully made. You were knit in your mother’s womb. Your past does not define who you are today and you are not being punished for your yesterdays. You are being molded and stretched, refined and redesigned. This is what strengthens you, this time of wait. Oh the beauty it will be when you find out about the gift that stirs within you but until then you are that beauty manifested. I applaud you beautiful woman, I admire you and I am inspired by you.

As far as Daniel and I, we are happy. We are going to have a baby. An answered prayer, a payoff for all the tears, a reward for the wait, a gift from almighty God.

The announcement.